How to Tell If It Was Reactive Abuse: Step 1: Write down what you did or said that felt abusive. Keep it simple, factual, and specific. For example, instead of: “We had an argument, and they kept pushing my buttons, I couldn’t take it anymore so I lost it.” You should write: “I screamed and called them a name.” If you have a hard time doing this, try the "Jerry Seinfeld" approach. He’s a famous comedian, and when he’s writing a joke, he takes out one word at a time until it stops making sense —